Since this IS Christmas, we will refrain from using the Pilgrim's Pride centerpiece, and the Thanksgiving napkins from last month. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of pine cones and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a Santa-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is the REAL Santa. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made reguarding Christmas, Santa and the Turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of "The Little Drummer Boy". If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of "The Little Drummer Boy", or that it suspiciously sounds like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying!
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method "Soups on!".
We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.
I stress "Private", meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me.
Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
No, Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Christmas. She probably won't come next year either. But, I am so looking forward to seeing you. I need a HUG.
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